Holidays Can Be Painful

Holidays Can Be Painful 800 800 Paula

After reading my title you might be wondering what I mean when I say holidays can be painful, but I feel it’s important for others to know how I feel around the holidays, because I know I am not alone. If I am the only one that feels this way, then maybe I am writing this just for me. 🙂

Yesterday was the 4thof July and I had a horrible day, but not on purpose. Right away when I woke up I was lacking energy and I literally felt like I was dying inside. That may seem a little extreme, but that is exactly how I felt. I’m learning that there is a pain in my heart that is still so fragile when it comes to the holiday seasons.

During the holidays when I look on social media or hear about everybody getting together with their family it still triggers my childhood trauma. I would be completing lying if I said I was okay being around other big families.

All day yesterday I kept telling myself you need to just snap out of it, you need to have fun with your family, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do that. Instead I wanted the day to be over with but it seemed like it was dragging on. I even crawled back into bed a few times to try to speed of the process.

I did get invited to a few family parties, but instead I chose to stay home. Here is what I have learned about myself during this season, my body is still trying to heal from all the trauma from not growing up in a healthy family, and I am still witnessing how the family dysfunction has affected my entire family today even my own children.

If you are looking at this and thinking, just get over it. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. I’m here to tell you my belief is it doesn’t work that way. In order to heal you have to be real with yourself and give your body, mind and soul time to heal.

Both of my parents are now deceased and we just don’t have family parties  like we use too.(not that they were that healthy to begin with)  There is still so much brokenness and division amongst my family that it’s quite hard to get everyone together.

Here is why I share this with you:

For one I want you to know you are not alone and second I want you to have patients with yourself and understanding that this is part of the healing process and it won’t last forever. Find someone who will support how you are feeling. This is my mentor who is like a mom to me and I can talk to her about anything. 

As time goes on you will start to feel better, as long as you keep feeling your feelings and giving it to God.

During the holiday seasons I have to do what is right for me. And right now that is staying in the comfort of my own home. I know that it’s not going to be like this forever, because I am a very social person. But for now I don’t need to sit in an atmosphere where everyone is enjoying their families and my heart is still bleeding.

So if you can relate to this in anyway I would love to hear from you and be sure to share this blog post with those who may need it.


I would like to leave you with some tools to help you take care of yourself.

  • Spend some time with God meditating on his word or listening to worship music
  • Do relaxing exercises like yoga or go for a nature walk
  • Spend quality time by yourself doing something you enjoy
  • Find something that brings purpose back into your life (something that you love to do)
  • Donate your time or money to help the less fortunate 
  • Make it a point to SMILE (even if you have to fake it!)
  • Spend time reflecting on the GOOD things in your life each and every day( try to come up with at least 10 things)

XOXO, Paula

God places the lonely in families;
    he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

Psalm 68:6 New Living Translation (NLT)

 I love what I do and I am a work in progress.  I have come along way since being illiterate since the age 21. 🙂

For Those Who Have Been Abused

For Those Who Have Been Abused 640 640 Paula

I feel others need to understand the battles that some people may face if they have experienced some type of abuse, whether it’s physical, emotional or sexual.

We might think that no one will understand the things we have went through, but to often there are many people suffering silently from their own deep dark secrets. 

Do you mind if I share a little insight inside the heart of a person who has experienced abuse? Because I am a firm believer if you’ve been abused in anyway you will have a ‘mental battle’ that you have to fight and overcome once your heart has been healed.

I will keep this as short as I can and to the point. Years ago when I was at my therapy session for my past abuse my therapist diagnosed me with dysmorphia. Immediately I wanted to rebuke the word she spoke over me, for one I had no idea what it meant and second it just sounded so serious…

Here is what dysmorphia means…

Dysmorphia is a mental disorder characterized by the obsessive idea that some aspect of ‘one’s own appearance is severely flawed’and warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it.

So this would be the medical term for someone like myself who’s identity was broken from past abuse. But what I didn’t understand for a very long time was why did I see myself the way that I did. I hated myself so much that I would sit and curse my body. I just thought deep down inside that I needed to fix myself and I tried many things to do it.

First of all let me just say… God doesn’t create something that is flawed. We are born perfect in the eyes of Jesus!

But because of the wounds in my heart I could not see myself how he sees me.

What I needed more that anything was for Jesus to heal the secret areas of my heart that were deeply wounded.

I spent way to long in bondage to an eating disorder that made me very sick because I thought if I could get skinnier than I would be more lovable and it would make me feel better.

This was a lie that was planted in my heart.

I had a lot of wound’s from growing up in a home with a father who was an alcoholic, and for the longest the abuse and neglect I experienced from him were still controlling my life.

You see it took years of healing from all the past abuse I experienced in my childhood and adult life to heal my real identity.

There still are days I can struggle in this area if I forget to submit myself to God first thing in the morning. In James 4:7 it states, submit yourself to Christ, and the devil will have to flee from you.

If you have experienced past abuse in your life, let God heal your heart and renew your mind daily in his word.

We have to be ready to use the sword that God has given us so we can walk into true freedom.

The sword is the word of God. So before any unhealthy thought can even take root in your heart, be sure to be on guard and take every negative thought captive and bring it under the authority of Christ.

The battle we face to overcome past abuse is real… The enemy looks for anyway he can to get into our life and destroy our identity. And he loves to do it through past abuse.

I walk in victory today due to all my healing, BUT when the mind gets tired or I get triggered from something or someone those old tapes like to come to surface.

I have to be ready for the battle and so do you.

And here are some tools you can use…

I have learned to take every NEGATIVE thought captive and bring it under the authority of Christ. Also, I ask God regularly to expose any lies in my heart that I may be believing. If I don’t practice this consistently then the enemy has set me up to start self-destructing through old behaviors.

I share my heart with you today because I feel we need to know everyone is in a battle. And I do believe we can have freedom here on earth, but you do have to fight for it!





Why I Will Pray for the Troubled Kid

Why I Will Pray for the Troubled Kid 259 194 Paula

As I am sitting here reading the updates about the Florida shooting I am getting sick to my stomach. I tossed and turned through out the night thinking about this school shooting. My heart hurts for all the families and I feel completely broken, but I can’t get the image out of my head of the shooter in handcuffs with all the police standing around him. 

I knew in my heart that this kid had a troubled life. I am not saying I am going to try to sit here and justify what he has done, but I am going to express my feelings on what I have learned about the shooter so far and why I will continue to pray for this teenage boy and the families who have lost loved ones.

As humans we are so quick to label others before we can actually learn who a person really is and where they come from. The media has called this kid a “troubled teen” and classmates who knew him have said, “We knew he was the ‘type of kid’ who would do this someday.” As I saw these labels I got even more emotional and I needed to ask myself why.

You see when I started to learn about this kids history I could relate to it in so many ways. One he was adopted as a child. The media has shared he lost his mother a year ago, which that would be his adopted mom, not his biological mom. It’s states he lost his dad a decade ago. Is that his real dad or adopted dad? You see we don’t have all the details of his history. But it pretty much sounds like he was an orphan from the day he was born, and the feelings that come attached to that are, I am unwanted, I am unlovable, and nobody wants me. What do I have to live for?

These are the voices that control most troubled kids, but it usually starts from somewhere. It’s the wounds that become so deep in our hearts and control our thoughts and behaviors. It’s the negative thoughts that plague us and get louder and louder until we take action.

I saw in the media that he was a quiet kid, but once he started talking he enjoyed being heard. That is sometimes all these kids want is to be heard. Does anyone care about me? Yes, he did things like pulling fire alarms, starting fights with other kids and posting things on social media. All this stuff he was doing is attention-seeking behaviors. He is trying get attention he never had and most likely acting out some of the emotions that are trapped inside of him that he doesn’t know how to express.

I can go on and on about this shooting, but I will stop right here and save my energy to continue to pray for all the families involved. But as I saw this child get arrested and the words that were used to describe him, I thought to myself that could have been me. I grew up in alcoholism, drug addiction, and abuse until my dad went to prison. My mom was an addict and she didn’t come home for long periods of time. This left me scared, lonely, confused, feeling unwanted, unlovable. I got into trouble all the time at school. I was kicked out almost every week for fighting or put in a separate room, isolated from my classmates, and this just fed the feelings even stronger, there must be something wrong with me… Then I was sent to a school for at risk kids, just like the Florida shooter was. I had so much anger and confusion bottled up inside of me that I understand where this kid is coming from. I will continue to share my story to help others understand trauma and addiction. And I will continue to pray for ‘this so called troubled teen’ who is broken and powerless over the life he has been given so far.

My heart is broken for the troubled children who are drowning in their pain and trauma.

I’m not saying you have to agree with what I am saying, but I would like you to understand the mind of a troubled child.

With Love,


Paula Jauch