recovery

Holidays Can Be Painful

Holidays Can Be Painful 800 800 Paula

After reading my title you might be wondering what I mean when I say holidays can be painful, but I feel it’s important for others to know how I feel around the holidays, because I know I am not alone. If I am the only one that feels this way, then maybe I am writing this just for me. 🙂

Yesterday was the 4thof July and I had a horrible day, but not on purpose. Right away when I woke up I was lacking energy and I literally felt like I was dying inside. That may seem a little extreme, but that is exactly how I felt. I’m learning that there is a pain in my heart that is still so fragile when it comes to the holiday seasons.

During the holidays when I look on social media or hear about everybody getting together with their family it still triggers my childhood trauma. I would be completing lying if I said I was okay being around other big families.

All day yesterday I kept telling myself you need to just snap out of it, you need to have fun with your family, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do that. Instead I wanted the day to be over with but it seemed like it was dragging on. I even crawled back into bed a few times to try to speed of the process.

I did get invited to a few family parties, but instead I chose to stay home. Here is what I have learned about myself during this season, my body is still trying to heal from all the trauma from not growing up in a healthy family, and I am still witnessing how the family dysfunction has affected my entire family today even my own children.

If you are looking at this and thinking, just get over it. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. I’m here to tell you my belief is it doesn’t work that way. In order to heal you have to be real with yourself and give your body, mind and soul time to heal.

Both of my parents are now deceased and we just don’t have family parties  like we use too.(not that they were that healthy to begin with)  There is still so much brokenness and division amongst my family that it’s quite hard to get everyone together.

Here is why I share this with you:

For one I want you to know you are not alone and second I want you to have patients with yourself and understanding that this is part of the healing process and it won’t last forever. Find someone who will support how you are feeling. This is my mentor who is like a mom to me and I can talk to her about anything. 

As time goes on you will start to feel better, as long as you keep feeling your feelings and giving it to God.

During the holiday seasons I have to do what is right for me. And right now that is staying in the comfort of my own home. I know that it’s not going to be like this forever, because I am a very social person. But for now I don’t need to sit in an atmosphere where everyone is enjoying their families and my heart is still bleeding.

So if you can relate to this in anyway I would love to hear from you and be sure to share this blog post with those who may need it.

 

I would like to leave you with some tools to help you take care of yourself.

  • Spend some time with God meditating on his word or listening to worship music
  • Do relaxing exercises like yoga or go for a nature walk
  • Spend quality time by yourself doing something you enjoy
  • Find something that brings purpose back into your life (something that you love to do)
  • Donate your time or money to help the less fortunate 
  • Make it a point to SMILE (even if you have to fake it!)
  • Spend time reflecting on the GOOD things in your life each and every day( try to come up with at least 10 things)

XOXO, Paula

God places the lonely in families;
    he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

Psalm 68:6 New Living Translation (NLT)

 I love what I do and I am a work in progress.  I have come along way since being illiterate since the age 21. 🙂

For Those Who Have Been Abused

For Those Who Have Been Abused 640 640 Paula

I feel others need to understand the battles that some people may face if they have experienced some type of abuse, whether it’s physical, emotional or sexual.

We might think that no one will understand the things we have went through, but to often there are many people suffering silently from their own deep dark secrets. 

Do you mind if I share a little insight inside the heart of a person who has experienced abuse? Because I am a firm believer if you’ve been abused in anyway you will have a ‘mental battle’ that you have to fight and overcome once your heart has been healed.

I will keep this as short as I can and to the point. Years ago when I was at my therapy session for my past abuse my therapist diagnosed me with dysmorphia. Immediately I wanted to rebuke the word she spoke over me, for one I had no idea what it meant and second it just sounded so serious…

Here is what dysmorphia means…

Dysmorphia is a mental disorder characterized by the obsessive idea that some aspect of ‘one’s own appearance is severely flawed’and warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it.

So this would be the medical term for someone like myself who’s identity was broken from past abuse. But what I didn’t understand for a very long time was why did I see myself the way that I did. I hated myself so much that I would sit and curse my body. I just thought deep down inside that I needed to fix myself and I tried many things to do it.

First of all let me just say… God doesn’t create something that is flawed. We are born perfect in the eyes of Jesus!

But because of the wounds in my heart I could not see myself how he sees me.

What I needed more that anything was for Jesus to heal the secret areas of my heart that were deeply wounded.

I spent way to long in bondage to an eating disorder that made me very sick because I thought if I could get skinnier than I would be more lovable and it would make me feel better.

This was a lie that was planted in my heart.

I had a lot of wound’s from growing up in a home with a father who was an alcoholic, and for the longest the abuse and neglect I experienced from him were still controlling my life.

You see it took years of healing from all the past abuse I experienced in my childhood and adult life to heal my real identity.

There still are days I can struggle in this area if I forget to submit myself to God first thing in the morning. In James 4:7 it states, submit yourself to Christ, and the devil will have to flee from you.

If you have experienced past abuse in your life, let God heal your heart and renew your mind daily in his word.

We have to be ready to use the sword that God has given us so we can walk into true freedom.

The sword is the word of God. So before any unhealthy thought can even take root in your heart, be sure to be on guard and take every negative thought captive and bring it under the authority of Christ.

The battle we face to overcome past abuse is real… The enemy looks for anyway he can to get into our life and destroy our identity. And he loves to do it through past abuse.

I walk in victory today due to all my healing, BUT when the mind gets tired or I get triggered from something or someone those old tapes like to come to surface.

I have to be ready for the battle and so do you.

And here are some tools you can use…

I have learned to take every NEGATIVE thought captive and bring it under the authority of Christ. Also, I ask God regularly to expose any lies in my heart that I may be believing. If I don’t practice this consistently then the enemy has set me up to start self-destructing through old behaviors.

I share my heart with you today because I feel we need to know everyone is in a battle. And I do believe we can have freedom here on earth, but you do have to fight for it!

SO BE READY!

 

 

 

Eating Disorders Are Exhausting

Eating Disorders Are Exhausting 800 800 Paula

If you have ever struggled with an eating disorder you will probably understand what I am about to share. If you know someone with an eating disorder I hope I can help you better understanding the battle that goes on in the mind of someone struggling.

I have struggled with an eating disorder as far back as I can remember since the age eighteen years old. I know I had some issues with food as a little girl as well. I can remember at the age eight having feelings that no matter what I ate it was never enough. Looking back now I had some deep rooted feelings I was trying to pacify with food. 

But when you are struggling with food issues or an eating disorder it is very hard for the person to understand why they can’t just ‘stop the behavior.’ This was the mental battle I found myself in many times.

I remember when I was eighteen years old I gave birth to my second child and all I could think about were the friends my age who were wearing bathing suits and cute clothes and I was willing to do whatever it would take to lose the weight and be like them. Not to mention the father of my children was always unfaithful and this just reinforced my fear to be skinner in hopes he would never cheat again. Just so you know you can’t change someone else by being a better version of you. But all my fears led me to my first diet.

This started a cycle of me constantly being on a diet for the next twenty years of my life. But you see anytime I fell off the diet it was a reassurance of the thoughts, you aren’t good enough. I would hear things like, you see you are a failure, you will always be fat, you are not doing it right, don’t go to the party there will be too much food, stay home from going out with your friends so you don’t have to be around food. I can go on and on with the thoughts running through my head, but what I want to share is eating disorders are a trap and I believe they are a trap from the enemy that come to kill us, and steal from us and keep us isolated.

I always wondered why couldn’t I stop when I wanted too? I mean I desperately wanted to be free from all these behaviors. And I confess I tried everything to get free… from following a stricter plan, going to 12 step food recovery meetings and get prayed over. I READ some many books learning how others got free and it gave me insight but never freed me.

Why God? Why? Is what I asked all the time…

But it took me a while to come to the end of myself.

Today I believe eating disorders are rooted in fear and lies. Which are the opposite of God’s character. He does not lie to us about who’s we are and who we are and FEAR is not from him.

We are created perfect in his eyes and we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

So if you are struggling with an E.D. please slow down and ask Jesus to expose the hidden areas in your heart.

Here are some questions to ask yourself. What am I afraid of? What lies am I believing about myself that is keeping bound to a diet because I feel I am not good enough?

You see when you binge or don’t eat enough it’s because you believe you are not good enough or there is something wrong with you, or if you don’t change you may feel you are not lovable. WHICH THIS IS FAR FROM THE TRUTH!

Or maybe you are struggling with overeating trying to stuff some emotions you don’t want to feel.

In order for me to go more in detail about this topic I would have to write a very long blog. But I am hoping with what I shared with you that it was an insight to the battle you may be in. I know for a long time I searched for help and I learned that I had to surrender to Jesus and let him expose the lies and pain in my heart.

I would love to hear from you and I would love to speak into this area of your life.

I was in bondage and torment for many many years but when I surrendered all my ways and trusted Jesus in this area of my life things finally changed. Remember it is a process and a man made plan will never set you free but keep you into more bondage of rules.

When people are struggling with an eating disorder and addiction you are not going to be able to help them until they admit they have a problem and they are willing to go to any measure to get help.

Spending time with Jesus heals us, changes us, helps us and guides us in the next steps we should take in life.

Jeremiah 33:3

“Ask Me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come.”