I have a hard time giving Jesus my food.
I don’t understand why I struggle with food. I don’t understand why I had to give up my job as a weight loss coach. I don’t understand why I had to give up my job as a fitness coach. I don’t understand why I am no longer at my goal weight. It’s not fair to see other women succeed in this area when I feel so trapped. But why do I feel like God wants me to surrender this area at the feet of Jesus?
This journey has not been easy for me at all, but what I am learning is that God wants full control of my life. He doesn’t ever want one of His children to want something besides Him so badly that we are willing to give up their lives for it. I can so relate to Esau who traded his birthright for a bowl of flippin’ stew! (Genesis 25: 27-34) He wanted something so badly—a bowl of lentil soup—for which he was willing to sell his birthright. He sold his birthright for instant gratification to try to fill his emptiness.
I get it; I would have done anything to become skinnier and prettier. I can remember when my eating disorder was at it’s worst there were days I felt like dying because I couldn’t control this battle I had with food and my weight. For the last few years, I have been asking God why is it so hard for me to completely lay this down at your feet. I don’t want to be obsessed about my food, my looks, and my weight. And He continues to show me that I am still trying to control areas of my life where I do not trust Him. Jesus wants us free in all areas, but He needs us to recognize we can’t do it in our own strength. If we attempt to fix ourselves without Him, it will never work because our strength and resources are limited.
Several times in my life, I told myself that I would get skinnier to make people love me. I would watch my father bring other women into our home because they were skinner and prettier than my mother, I made a vow to myself: I will always be skinny and pretty. When I got pregnant as a teenager and the only words my father spoke to me were to protect my body, I made another vow: I will show him that I can get skinny. When my first husband cheated on me all the time, I made yet another vow: I will be prettier and skinner than those girls.
My food and weight issue is all a form of control so I can stick to these vows that I made to myself. I think I am controlling the pain of my past, which is all a lie from the pit of hell. If we fall for this trap, we will never get out of this vicious cycle.
Sometimes we want to be skinny for the wrong reasons. We hold onto our eating disorders because of pain from what someone else said or what they have done to us. Or we feel we are repaying someone for what they did or said by showing them we will be skinny to prove they lost a good thing or prove we are lovable. What I learned in my journey is that I have to surrender all this stinkin’ thinkin’, and it is not easy. We need to understand that when we walk through the pain of our past with Jesus, it’s really not as scary as the actual events that caused the pain in the first place.
I take care of myself daily by spending time with Jesus, washing myself in getting to know His character and teaching myself the thoughts He has towards me. Then I ask Him to help me eat healthy and be active, and I leave the rest up to Him. He is my creator, and He knows what my perfect weight should be.
This year I made another vow: I will not step on a scale to weigh myself unless a doctor needs my weight. You might think that is a little extreme or crazy, but I don’t want to be a slave to anything in my life but JESUS! And I sure don’t want a number to tell me I am lovable.
Are you ready to lay your weight, eating disorders, and pain at the feet of Jesus? What is He asking you to surrender to Him?
I believe there are many approaches to instilling healthy self-worth in girls, but it begins within the security of a loving family. Specifically, it depends on a caring and affirming father. Moms are vital in countless ways too, but self-worth for girls hangs precariously on their relationship with their dads.
Dr. Dobson
