After reading my title you might be wondering what I mean when I say holidays can be painful, but I feel it’s important for others to know how I feel around the holidays, because I know I am not alone. If I am the only one that feels this way, then maybe I am writing this just for me. 🙂
Yesterday was the 4thof July and I had a horrible day, but not on purpose. Right away when I woke up I was lacking energy and I literally felt like I was dying inside. That may seem a little extreme, but that is exactly how I felt. I’m learning that there is a pain in my heart that is still so fragile when it comes to the holiday seasons.
During the holidays when I look on social media or hear about everybody getting together with their family it still triggers my childhood trauma. I would be completing lying if I said I was okay being around other big families.
All day yesterday I kept telling myself you need to just snap out of it, you need to have fun with your family, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do that. Instead I wanted the day to be over with but it seemed like it was dragging on. I even crawled back into bed a few times to try to speed of the process.
I did get invited to a few family parties, but instead I chose to stay home. Here is what I have learned about myself during this season, my body is still trying to heal from all the trauma from not growing up in a healthy family, and I am still witnessing how the family dysfunction has affected my entire family today even my own children.
If you are looking at this and thinking, just get over it. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. I’m here to tell you my belief is it doesn’t work that way. In order to heal you have to be real with yourself and give your body, mind and soul time to heal.
Both of my parents are now deceased and we just don’t have family parties like we use too.(not that they were that healthy to begin with) There is still so much brokenness and division amongst my family that it’s quite hard to get everyone together.
Here is why I share this with you:
For one I want you to know you are not alone and second I want you to have patients with yourself and understanding that this is part of the healing process and it won’t last forever. Find someone who will support how you are feeling. This is my mentor who is like a mom to me and I can talk to her about anything.
As time goes on you will start to feel better, as long as you keep feeling your feelings and giving it to God.
During the holiday seasons I have to do what is right for me. And right now that is staying in the comfort of my own home. I know that it’s not going to be like this forever, because I am a very social person. But for now I don’t need to sit in an atmosphere where everyone is enjoying their families and my heart is still bleeding.
So if you can relate to this in anyway I would love to hear from you and be sure to share this blog post with those who may need it.
I would like to leave you with some tools to help you take care of yourself.
- Spend some time with God meditating on his word or listening to worship music
- Do relaxing exercises like yoga or go for a nature walk
- Spend quality time by yourself doing something you enjoy
- Find something that brings purpose back into your life (something that you love to do)
- Donate your time or money to help the less fortunate
- Make it a point to SMILE (even if you have to fake it!)
- Spend time reflecting on the GOOD things in your life each and every day( try to come up with at least 10 things)
God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.
Psalm 68:6 New Living Translation (NLT)
I love what I do and I am a work in progress. I have come along way since being illiterate since the age 21. 🙂
What people don’t often realize is that sharing our story and our pain with someone who understands is how we heal. When someone can look at you and say, I’m sorry you are going through this, I went through it, too. It offers people hope. People need to know that they can heal and overcome and they need to know they don’t have to do it alone. It’s okay to admit we are broken and that we want help. I fill so many people are living with unnecessary pain, because they won’t admit they are suffering. It’s okay to not be okay. We try to cover it up with so many things life perfectionism, people pleasing, approval seeking, and some of us even fall victim to addiction.
I’ve spent a lot of years self-destructing because I felt the pain was unbearable. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of not knowing how to feel, and being scared to feel the pain. I once heard that the only way to heal is feel the pain, and to remember even though it may hurt, that pain is not going to kill you. I remember thinking, okay, this cycle is getting old and it is getting me nowhere. I would feel pain or emotions, then I would use my addiction to cope, then this started a pattern of feeling guilty, full of shame, sick, and depressed. I want to do this, and face the pain head on. In order for me to do this I had to let a lot of people and things go. I went through a season of feeling very depressed and heavy and didn’t want to be around a lot of people. In this season I stayed close to God, my mentor and my recovery program.
If we ask and wait patiently, I do believe God puts the right people in our path that we need at the time.
Friends, never give up and trust the process, your BREAKTHROUGH is right around the corner!