addiction

Trauma in the Church

Trauma in the Church 800 800 Paula

Before I share my heart with you on this topic I would like you to know I am not a doctor, psychologist or therapist. What I am is a person who suffered a long time with anxiety, depression, an eating disorder and many other self-harming behaviors. After I gave my life to Christ I still suffered from these things even though I didn’t want to. I heard many sermons that promised me I could be free, that Jesus came to set the captives free, you are a new creation in Christ Jesus. I’ve been to many services where you were invited to leave everything at the altar that was holding you down. I have been prayed over many times and I begged God to help me. But why was I ‘stuck’ when I so badly wanted to be free. The reason I write this blog today is to help the church understand trauma and mental illness from the perspective of someone who suffered a long time until God showed me the hidden wounds in my heart that needed to be healed, or you could even call this hidden trauma from my childhood that was stored in my brain.

What is trauma? The definition to trauma can be fairly broad. Trauma can be a response to a one-time or numerous traumatic events like crime, death of a loved one, child abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, combat, natural disaster, domestic violence, or a loved one being incarcerated. The list can go on and on… One thing that we need to know is that it is not up to us to determine whether or not the event was traumatic in the other person’s life. That is up to them to decide. We all handle traumatic events in different ways. Some of us may repress the memory for many years because it is too painful at the time to deal with. We develop mental illness symptoms that vary from depression, anxiety, PTSD, schizophrenia, or bipolar. For a lot of people they will start using a substance such as alcohol, drugs, or food to numb out the pain of what happened to them or there are many people that act out, especially children because they can’t express how their body is feeling. They struggle with bursts of anger, depression or anxiety.

My story was I grew up in abuse, neglect and was surrounded by addiction from the time I was born. As a child I had no idea that my needs were not being met when my father was in prison and my mother was absent because she struggled with her own addiction. I ended up pregnant at fifteen years old and initiated into a Hispanic gang because I was longing to be accepted into a family. I struggled through school, I was placed in special education classes and many behavior programs until I was kicked out of school and sent to an alternative education program.

As an adult woman these things still plagued me as I tried to get a job and found myself reading at a third grade level. I was addicted to cutting myself to relieve the pain and confusion that was in my body and I was very sick from my eating disorder.

I found myself feeling so alone and isolated to the point I tried to take my life. A friend told me about Jesus and this gave me hope that someone might really love me. She told me that God had a purpose and plan for my life. This sent me on a quest to wanting to learn more, but when I grounded myself in a church for years I was still confused because I had all these issues that I was trying to hide from everybody and I didn’t know who I could turn to for help. When I went to Christian counseling for many years they assured me that if I learned more scripture and spent more time with Jesus I would be okay.

So how can the church help those who are suffering from trauma and mental illness? We need to first understand that it’s a deeper issue and that they may need outside help like a mentor who has been healed from trauma or a trauma therapist. The first step that might be helpful for the church is to learn how to recognize signs of trauma in a person, this may prevent some of the harm the church often does to trauma survivors — when it guilt’s a person by urging them to move on, just get over it, or to not “be a victim.” By saying things like, you are a new creation in Christ, it’s time to let go of your past.  

 

What we need to remember is that trauma by definition is something beyond a person’s natural capacity to heal from. Trauma overwhelms a person’s body leaving them with the feelings of feeling “stuck” — like when a computer freezes because it is taking in more than it can handle. Therefore we can’t just tell someone suffering from trauma to “move on,” and let go of the past because you are a new creation and you need to just “trust God more.” All of these platitudes ignore the nature of trauma and what it does to a person — it is not something that a person can heal from by willpower or renewing their mind, even though this helps, it’s a lot deeper than that.

 

I found my help the day that I hit my bottom and I told God I couldn’t go on anymore pretending I was okay. I told him I needed help. I looked for a therapist in my area and without knowing it she was a trauma therapist. At this point in my life I never heard about trauma until my first appointment and she asked me to explain my childhood to the best of my ability. I spent years in her office recalling traumatic memories of all the things that happened to me like being sexually abused starting at the age seven. Then I witnessed Jesus taking those wounds and healing them. It was a long process and what I learned is healing takes time, but it was all worth it.

 

Do you feel there is something in your heart that may be holding you back from enjoying the life of peace, joy and freedom? I would like to encourage you to not be afraid to ask for help.

Holidays Can Be Painful

Holidays Can Be Painful 800 800 Paula

After reading my title you might be wondering what I mean when I say holidays can be painful, but I feel it’s important for others to know how I feel around the holidays, because I know I am not alone. If I am the only one that feels this way, then maybe I am writing this just for me. 🙂

Yesterday was the 4thof July and I had a horrible day, but not on purpose. Right away when I woke up I was lacking energy and I literally felt like I was dying inside. That may seem a little extreme, but that is exactly how I felt. I’m learning that there is a pain in my heart that is still so fragile when it comes to the holiday seasons.

During the holidays when I look on social media or hear about everybody getting together with their family it still triggers my childhood trauma. I would be completing lying if I said I was okay being around other big families.

All day yesterday I kept telling myself you need to just snap out of it, you need to have fun with your family, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do that. Instead I wanted the day to be over with but it seemed like it was dragging on. I even crawled back into bed a few times to try to speed of the process.

I did get invited to a few family parties, but instead I chose to stay home. Here is what I have learned about myself during this season, my body is still trying to heal from all the trauma from not growing up in a healthy family, and I am still witnessing how the family dysfunction has affected my entire family today even my own children.

If you are looking at this and thinking, just get over it. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. I’m here to tell you my belief is it doesn’t work that way. In order to heal you have to be real with yourself and give your body, mind and soul time to heal.

Both of my parents are now deceased and we just don’t have family parties  like we use too.(not that they were that healthy to begin with)  There is still so much brokenness and division amongst my family that it’s quite hard to get everyone together.

Here is why I share this with you:

For one I want you to know you are not alone and second I want you to have patients with yourself and understanding that this is part of the healing process and it won’t last forever. Find someone who will support how you are feeling. This is my mentor who is like a mom to me and I can talk to her about anything. 

As time goes on you will start to feel better, as long as you keep feeling your feelings and giving it to God.

During the holiday seasons I have to do what is right for me. And right now that is staying in the comfort of my own home. I know that it’s not going to be like this forever, because I am a very social person. But for now I don’t need to sit in an atmosphere where everyone is enjoying their families and my heart is still bleeding.

So if you can relate to this in anyway I would love to hear from you and be sure to share this blog post with those who may need it.

 

I would like to leave you with some tools to help you take care of yourself.

  • Spend some time with God meditating on his word or listening to worship music
  • Do relaxing exercises like yoga or go for a nature walk
  • Spend quality time by yourself doing something you enjoy
  • Find something that brings purpose back into your life (something that you love to do)
  • Donate your time or money to help the less fortunate 
  • Make it a point to SMILE (even if you have to fake it!)
  • Spend time reflecting on the GOOD things in your life each and every day( try to come up with at least 10 things)

XOXO, Paula

God places the lonely in families;
    he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

Psalm 68:6 New Living Translation (NLT)

 I love what I do and I am a work in progress.  I have come along way since being illiterate since the age 21. 🙂

Christmas-Family Boundaries and Addiction

Christmas-Family Boundaries and Addiction 480 640 Paula

I’ve been wanting to write this blog for the last few weeks about the Christmas season. I want to talk to you about addiction in the family, and how we can put boundaries in place. I will be sharing with you what is on my heart. So if you are looking for new family traditions or a good Christmas sugar cookie recipe this blog may not be for you. I want to encourage whoever is reading this and let them know they can overcome the pain of the holidays. I am hopeful that what I share will help many, because I know I am not alone when it comes to the pain this season may bring. 

You see during the Christmas or holiday season it brings up A LOT of pain for so many people. This is why the suicide rate goes up and many people find themselves running back to their addiction.

During this time of year we are left with so much pain. We are left to sort through the confusion of our past. So many thoughts at this time of year may be running through our heads. We are not sure if we should go around that family member who continues to hurt us. We are confused whether or not we should go to the Christmas party because the person who sexually abused us as a child might be there. Maybe this is the time of year when your spouse walked out on you. Or maybe you are someone who grew up in abuse and addiction and you are left with nothing but brokenness from your childhood. The list can go on and on and on of why you may be feeling pain.  Please take whatever your current situation maybe and apply it to what I am about to share.

I felt a strong urge to write on these topics of boundaries, self-care and how to handle our pain during the holiday season.  While so many people this time of the year are enjoying Christmas parties, time with family, holiday shopping or decorating a Christmas tree, this may not be the case for your family. The Christmas season can actually be hard for so many people, bringing up a lot of painful memories.

I know this was and still is my situation… As I write this blog I am reminded of how painful my childhood was, and I am also reminded of how ‘ADDICTION’ has taken so much from my life. I feel my parent’s passed away way too young and left a lot of dysfunction behind them. Daily I find myself trying to sort through my life experience so I can continue to live a life of victory. I would like to share with you some things I have learned through my experience.

I used to think that I had to go to every family party, but after many years of doing this I noticed a pattern. I was trying to get FREE from my self-destructive behaviors but every time I left a family function I had the urge to go back to my eating disorder and self-destructive habits. I continued to pray and ask God to show me why. Finally, when I was ready to listen He showed me, you can’t get free from something that you have witnessed since you were a child. Addiction and pain was all I knew, but yet I wanted be free from all of it. Every time I went to a ‘family party’ I was exposed to the conversations of who was still using, or who has died or who was in jail. This kind of talk triggered all my childhood wounds that made me want to run back to my eating disorder and self-harm.

Does this make sense?

Unfortunately,  in order for me to heal and get free, I had to put boundaries in place. BUT guess what happened next? I was accused of not being normal like the rest of the family, not being loving, and then last but not least, they even said, I wasn’t a true Christian. Does any of this sound familiar? Now let me share with you, this type of trauma is not easy to overcome. You have to have a lot of support from Godly people with a lot wisdom and understanding that can speak into your life when you are going through this type of healing.

But if we don’t deal with this ‘YUCKY’ stuff around the Christmas/Holiday season you will find yourself in a vicious cycle of not feeling your feelings, running back to old destructive patterns like addiction, and self-hate. We have to learn to put up healthy boundaries and learn self-care. Because if we don’t take care of ourselves nobody will.

Now ask yourself the question, will I pay a price if I go to this party or event? Do I feel strong enough? When you go around these people are they lifting you up or like my husband likes to say, ” are they dumping poison into your life?”

Remember the only way to get over your pain is to FEEL it. I like to say your pain won’t kill you, but your addiction will. So be sure to put up boundaries and FYI: this includes FAMILY, mother, brother, sister, uncles, and ALL!

Be gentle with yourself and take care of you! Surround yourself with people who love you and will speak truth into the area you are trying to overcome. Do what feels right for YOU.

I’ve decided to surround myself with people who will help me become who I want to be, not what I grew up in.

I want to encourage you today to do whatever it takes to heal and get free. And I promise you, you will start to enjoy the Christmas and Holiday season!

 

With Love,

Paula Jauch